2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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