I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
