I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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