I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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