talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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