You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
