if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
