I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
