i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
