Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
