O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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