dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
