Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
