he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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