I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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