i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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