He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
