Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
