I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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