Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
