how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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