I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
