if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
