I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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