So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
