my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
