What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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