Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
