dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
