I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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