i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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