I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
