I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Come see our sink grown plant.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
