There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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