He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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