hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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