There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
