Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
