dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you made out with another girl for some wings
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize