Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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