I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
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