i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
