Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
