I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
