I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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