My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
