im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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