You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
