it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
