i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
