Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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