I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Randomize
