So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
