I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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