what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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