i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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