you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
