His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
