I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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