3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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