ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
