my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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