At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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