Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
