my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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