Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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